XXII.4

"what irks me more than a day sitting in a storm drowning in my regrets is hearing the positive outlooks on my negativity. let's be real for a minute. i'm constantly referring back to my grandmother, but here we go. she's terribly sick in the icu, and it's not looking good. grim? yes. reality? yes. listen, i conversed with a couple of friends and people i love. so regularly, i updated them on the circumstances with my grandmother, which included explaining that she is currently suffering and on her deathbed. and i constantly got reprimanded for my hard approach that yes, she is going to die. responses ranged between 'don't say that,' 'no, there still is a chance for things to get better,' and 'she still needs to fight; she still deserves to live life.' i think not.

newsflash, some things don't get better, some things are so heavy we mess up so bad there is no redemption. losing someone you may love forever, losing the motivation to chase a dream forever, losing the ability to live a life you experienced and loved forever. 

some things do not ever get better. i'm sorry to be the one to tell you. yes, you can maneuver and fill the voids, but some things will sting forever. i recently had a thought pop up in my mind. the guy that i probably have an unhealthy obsession with, and i am not speaking to anymore. i've lost forever. i will never know if we are meant to be, and the day he may walk down the aisle with another woman, will it still sting me?

i've explained i'm done with him so many times that there must be new words for him to believe me. so i just had to ghost him to get my thoughts in order and overcome the unhealthy attraction i had for him. a thought passed in my mind of him married to someone else, smiling in an instagram picture, and truly happy. the moment when we never again cross paths and he happily moves on from me.

 in that case, most people would tell you, 'everything happens for a reason, and it wasn't meant for your life.' what if i don't like the woman i am when he smiles in that photo? how do we know that wasn't supposed to be me smiling with him in that dress? bad things happen every single day to innocent people. i can lose someone that would have been an asset to my life forever, and that would suck. and i don't know, maybe it does fall into the category it was supposed to be that way but how will little old me ever know.

lesson: understand the difference between healing and maneuvering.

do we really move on from situations and heal or just maneuver? now i know the day will come when he gets married. i probably will see the picture, and unfortunately, the lady who makes him change his ways will most likely never be me. and, God forbid, if i still have some type of feelings, i will feel pretty crappy. and when i call my best friends, i will usually hear that it wasn't meant for you. is that what we settle with, or is that reality?

and yes, this chapter falls outside the humor category. usually, i have advice, but today, it's a simple question that requires complicated answers that i will never get.

i don't want to settle on 'this is what this was supposed to be.' i will make a pact with myself to heal, not maneuver. cry with red eyes until it doesn't hurt anymore, pray until God tells me it was his will and way, and cherish the hurt and care for my wounds until my scars heal.

xxii,

 just a f*cking lady."